We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
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Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
More like Kate Missington.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card