Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
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My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*