Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
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[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”