I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
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Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
It do be feeling this way.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
That’s a good costume, I hope.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About