mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
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[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
My typo game is string.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money