I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
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“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
fair
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
#MeanwhileInCanada
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.