[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
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Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years