me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
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ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Time for evil
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
choose your gary
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Kids: Stay in school.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.