Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
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CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery