The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
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My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.