What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
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It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
<- sleeps well with others
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
dam girl
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix