This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
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FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Wait a second…
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?