I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
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Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.