AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
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that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Who does Amazon think I am?
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.