If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
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Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.