I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
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My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.