I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
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“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
i prefer mine room temperature.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?