guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
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When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”