Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
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I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.