I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
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“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.