Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
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Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue