HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
You Might Also Like
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
I’d … I’d rather not.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”