I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
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Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?