[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
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I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
A completely valid reaction tbh
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time