It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
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I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)