America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
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Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Saturday
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.