Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
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[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
I only treason on days ending in y
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing