If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
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[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.