When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
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I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?