Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
You Might Also Like
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
This makes total sense…
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.