If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
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Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
You know…for fall…
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.