You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
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She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.