VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
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Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
When they try to steal your moment.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*