[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
You Might Also Like
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Sticker placement is key.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…