Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
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When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*