When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
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I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug