Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
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I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Seek kebab; not attention
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy