Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
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If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call