What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
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yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
I’m being attacked 😭
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.