Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
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My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.