the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
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I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Accurate
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide