[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
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” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Sending in my taxes
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.