Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
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My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.