Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
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I’m putting together a team
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
me irl
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
I want what they have
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.