I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
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Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level