How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
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you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
The Struggle
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
lol
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula