Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
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My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Close call…
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed