Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
You Might Also Like
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
#Caturday
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
The glory of fall.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks