I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
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Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
jesus christ confetti not now
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.