Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
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Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.